7 Mind Blowing Truths (wrapped up in advice I gave- that I should also heed)

Do you ever have those moments when you are talking to someone and the words coming out of your mouth are things you know to be true for you?

Advice you that applies to you.

I find this happens to me frequently when I am counseling others but not balanced myself. It’s like clients are coming into my office and we are bringing awareness to each other. It is easy for me to be objective and recognize their unconscious psychological patterns that have emerged, those opportunities for learning and growth that are deeply rooted in childhood experiences. At times, it is harder to recognize and reconcile them in myself. 

Like everyone else on the planet who has patterns emerge at some point or another (and usually several points), I am currently slowly moving through a triggered life-long pattern of needing others to fill me up emotionally (meet my emotional needs) because I am not doing it for myself. I find I get frustrated with people in my family or others in my life who are not “giving me what I need” (aka: validating me somehow).

Then, in the mysterious ways of the Universe, I find that all of the sudden I have clients that are in a similar predicament. We are drawn together through our similar energy. These clients are going through some sort of hard time, some sort of period that has them questioning life, death, sanity, purpose, God, power, relationships, etc. 

So I bring to you a list of things (that are loosely tied together) that I said to others today. Things I should also be saying to myself (I'm willing to bet you will find something in there that applies to you too);

1. “There must be a tearing down, a destruction of self, for you to build back up into a more aware and evolved person. It can be emotional and scary but when it’s over it is so good.”

Evolution and expansion requires destruction- those parts of you that no longer serve you (usually parts of the ego-self) have to be destroyed for you to build back up (or allow your true self to emerge) into something improved. I see women all around me that are constantly doing for others, BEING for others, and wondering why they are emotionally depleted. Any change or loss requires a grieving process and in order to grieve, you have to let yourself fall apart in order to discover your wholeness again.

2. “How long have you been choosing to feel responsible for what other people feel?”

Ahhhh, the people pleasers in life. At times, when I am not balanced, I could be president of that club.

Not allowing ourselves to speak our truth or meet our own needs for fear of others 

perceptions, judgments or reactions blocks us from experiencing true emotional intimacy in its healthiest form.

3. “As long as you aren’t being malicious or intentionally hurting someone; what other people think or feel about what you say is none of your damn business.”

In addition to #2, how others choose to perceive what you say, as long as your intention is pure, is not your business. Speak your truth! Furthermore, how they perceive it says everything about where they are at and the healing they need to do. If there is defensiveness –awareness and healing are required. The enemy has the potential to become the teacher. Someone doesn’t like you? Good for you – you 

just gave someone else the opportunity to see what they are subconsciously projecting onto you, which really requires their own attention and healing. If it bothers you that someone doesn't like you, is judging you, or not giving you enough recognition, then you can bet that your own self-limiting belief that "I'm not good enough" is at work. Is that another person's responsibility? No. That's on you. When you are balanced, you won't care what others think, feel or say about you.

4. “When you choose not to touch that inherent value that is inside of you as a soul, you are not only keeping that beauty from others, but most importantly, you deny yourself of power, love and your own God-given purpose.” 

This relates to #3 a bit in that there are three types of "self-limiting beliefs," (SLB's) which are subconscious beliefs that you have been programmed with through family, culture, society, etc. Since our beliefs greatly influence our actions, they substantially affect our reality. These SLB's are; "If I try I will fail," "I'm not good enough" and "No one will ever want me." When you make decisions out of fear of one of these beliefs you are giving away your power. You have a purpose. Everybody has a purpose in this Divine network of connections, growth, love, learning and lessons that we exchange. When you play small, or hold yourself back to feel "safe," you are not valuing yourself or your contribution to the world. You are choosing fear, lack, and weakness. It is a choice. You are also modeling those negative emotions for any children you have in your life as well. You are showing them who they are because our children view themselves as extensions of us. They form their identities around what we model for them and their experiences with us. What do you want for them? What do you want for you? What brings you joy? Why hold back what you came here to do? You may say; "Well, I can't because...[enter SLB here]" All you have to do is recognize the SLB, be aware of it, and make a different choice. It starts with choosing different thoughts, then those thoughts influence your feelings, which influence your beliefs, then your behavior/action, and finally, your reality. It looks like this;

THOUGHTS=FEELINGS=BELIEFS=BEHAVIOR/ACTION=REALITY

An example;

If you hold a SLB that "If I try, I will fail" you will have thoughts (from your ego, not your soul self) that pop into your mind anytime you are considering following your purpose. "My dream job would be to be a fishing guide, to work outside and teach people skills as they connect with nature...but I would have to go back to school...and I don't know how I would pay for it...how could I build a business and support myself? It is impossible." These thoughts create resistance to you achieving your purpose. If it feels right in your gut, it is right for you, and you simply need to get out of your own way. Start with focusing on what you want (not on what you don't want). If a negative thought comes into your mind - try to turn it into a positive statement, or at least a neutral one. Then hold onto the good feeling thoughts, hold onto the positive beliefs that come with the good feelings and watch how your reality changes.

5. “In finding your value, you come into your power, and inspire others around you to do the same.”

When you hold yourself back from stepping into your power, in an attempt to make life more comfortable for others, you withhold growth, learning and power for everyone involved. When you live small, you serve no-one. Living your Truth, with love, honor and purpose, is courageous. Living small robs the people you love of their own lessons as you attempt to protect them from the pain it will bring up for them as you step into your power. 

Finding your value, so that you can step into your power, requires presence and being present requires discipline but as you practice being present, and getting balanced (and subsequently into alignment with your Higher Power) by simply bringing attention to the present moment- you will naturally start to discover your value. In present moment awareness you will be able to notice the SLB that come into your thoughts and you will be more easily able to change them.You will see your purpose, your strengths and your abilities. You will make positive changes. Others will notice those changes and be inspired in many ways, like the metaphor of a ripple in a pond. 

6. “Feeling loved is only temporary if you do not discover your own self-worth. You will live your whole life doing and being for others in an insane attempt to fill yourself up.”

Women frequently do this. We adopt a societal view of who we should be; doing, care taking, meeting other’s needs and expectations of us, in an attempt to find value and worth. We become rescuers. We find importance in helping others and “saving” them from their own lessons. We try to bulldoze a path of least resistance so they can be happy. In doing that, we feel loved and emotionally fulfilled. But we find that we can never completely fill that gap that only holds a space for our own self-love. The reprieve is only temporary, so we do it again. And again. Despite the little voice that tells us we shouldn't. Then we find ourselves having an identity crisis at some point in our lives, when we realize we have lived our lives for others and that is our only identity. Our self-worth is tied up in how others feel, which we really have no control over anyway. And what about us? What do we really want? What brings us happiness? Where is our own value if we are so caught up in doing for others and trying not to be “selfish?!” Without awareness, this leads us to attempts at distraction from seeking fulfillment elsewhere, like through extramarital affairs, jumping from relationship to relationship, having unhealthy boundaries, and/or being judgmental of others to make ourselves feel powerful.

All because we don't take steps to find our own worth.

We listen to erroneous messages we were spoon fed as children and let them continue to have power over us.  Messages that came from other flawed humans. Once again, the answer lies in taking the time to be in the present moment. It is only in the present moment that your false identity (ego) will yield to your authentic self (soul). In the present moment, the ego is powerless. So take time every day (even if only 5 minutes) to get centered; through prayer, through focused breathing, through yoga, etc. Any activity that keeps you focused in that moment and lets go of thoughts. You are then able to feel and connect with your heart center. 

7. “In being aware of your feelings, in accepting them and allowing them to surface without judgment or the need to change them, you will experience a natural evolution and healing.” 

Some feelings you have may seem “wrong.” With grief, I always encourage others to feel whatever comes up, without judgment, because judgment creates resistance, and you will continue to experience what you resist. You can’t work through it if you are resisting it and “what you resist, persists” (Abraham Hicks said that, I think). So whether it has to do with feelings of grief (over a death), or feelings of loss over the ending of some other life domain (The Physical, Social, Personal and/or Spiritual Realms), just allow the feelings to be. Acknowledge that they are there and and make an attempt to focus back on what you want and how it would feel to have what you want. If your attention is too focused in your thoughts in a negative way - take a nap, stretch, or breathe. Give your brain a reboot. 

So there you have it. I welcome comments and insight into other's learning. One, I like to know I'm not alone in this processing of the journey that is life, and two, learning from each other is part of why we are here! My intention is that you can take something in and work it in a positive way for you. If you can't - at least put some love out into the world...hug a tree, snuggle a kitten, love yourself.

Grief - A Mountain Metaphor

"Move mental mountains-climb real ones." Unknown

Grief is like climbing a mountain.

You find yourself at the bottom, looking up,
a variety of emotions swirling through you at once as you wonder what you will find.
How will you make it to the top?
It seems impossible from where you are at.

The climb up is hard and rocky-
steep,
you lose your breath.
At times its hard to focus on anything else but just getting through.
Picking your way through rocks and cracks and obstacles.
It's a hard enough climb that you look around to see if anyone else is doing it.
You look around for support.
But all you find,
as you clumsily make your way through,
is a fallen log blocking your path.
You try to step over it and realize there is a raspberry bush on the other side,
with thorns that grasp your pants as you try to go by.
Like the words of people in your life who don't understand your climb-
they say things that are not supportive.
They ignorantly block you,
unknowingly scratch at your psyche.
They don't know what they're talking about-
because they themselves have never been to the top of the mountain.
They've never even had to take a step on the damn thing.
They just hang out near the bottom,
making comments about what you need to do to get to the top-
even though they've never been there.
You realize you must leave them behind,
in their ignorance,
in their bliss of not knowing.


You continue on, looking around and becoming aware that life goes on around you-
despite your changed perspective.
The bees still gather nectar regardless of the type of flower
regardless of you being there,
or not being there.
They don't know how the experience is changing you.
To the bee, the sharpness of the thistle doesn't change the gift inside.

So you move through the feelings,
continuing your climb,
up and down,
one minute up,
one minute down.
Then all of the sudden the path turns sharply-
you weren't prepared for that.
You think you might trip.
You wonder if you will twist your ankle.
You might get stuck there in that sharp curve, not knowing which way to go.
Stuck in your fear,
you wonder whether you should continue to go up,
or turn around and go down.
Worried about what could happen next.
At that point the best idea may be to just open your water bottle and take a drink,
because you don't need make a choice in that moment.
You just need to be,
because in the stillness there comes a knowing.
That knowing usually encourages you to continue on and take the path that motivates you, inspires you.

Then before you know it, you have the energy again to go on.

And at certain points you're able to stop and see something beautiful.
You're able to laugh again,
but then you feel guilty for seeing the beauty,
or for enjoying the moment because your loved one isn't there to enjoy it with you.
They're not there to make their own music with their laugh-they are unable to put that out into the world anymore.

You pause, trying to catch your breath, but you can't.

When you are able to, you start to notice there are other people on the trail-
some going up the trail of dirt and rock much quicker.
Some are passing you,
some are stuck,
some are stopped taking a break,
drinking their water,
looking for their path.
Some you might not have noticed before.
Some of them are happy,
some sad,
some melancholy.
Others are busy guiding their children,
trying to protect them on the path,
to keep them motivated or directed.
You may wonder if you have the motivation to keep going.
You may question who is there to direct you on your path.

Other times you might notice roots on the path and they trip you up-
you might fall and skin something,
becoming raw and open.
Yet you keep on day after day because you don't feel like you have another choice.

As you climb you think it important to watch every step you take as you put one foot in front of the other,
to be fully present,
so as not to trip,
to avoid a fall.
But then you realize if you do that all the time-
you miss the view.
So at a certain point in your hike,
like at a certain point in your grief,
you start to notice things you didn't notice before.
Instead of always looking down and focusing on the rocks-
you start to notice the flowers,
the multitudes of beautiful wildflowers.
You notice their likenesses,
their differences,
and their colors.
It is like you are seeing them for the first time,
different beautiful aspects that they bring to the trail,
vitality they bring to the mountain,
and how they are fully alive.
You realize that even when you don't feel alive you may still be able to glean some inspiration in their ability to go on living.
You realize this changed perspective comes,
not because the flowers have changed,
but because you have changed.
And you cannot change your perspective back to the way you saw the flowers before-
because that part of you is gone.
The way you viewed the mountain before has changed through your experience.

Eventually you get to the top.
It can be sudden-
a moment when you just realize you are there.
You are startled by the realization,
like arriving upon a meadow hidden around a bend,
with colors of green you have never experienced before.
Wide open,
full of sunshine and wildflowers.
You never knew something so beautiful existed.
You feel amazed,
inspired and grateful.
And as you breathe the clean,
crisp,
fresh air between the heavy breaths of your weariness,
there is a sense of satisfaction that you made it.
YOU did it!
Despite the hardship and difficulty-
there is triumph.
It feels so liberating there,
you wish you could stay and relish the feeling,
always live in that awareness.
You accomplished something great-
you achieved something bigger than yourself.
You see that your spiritual awareness has expanded through the experience of the climb.

Then it starts to rain.
It's a light sprinkle, really.
You could probably just ignore it.

You realize as your wet hair starts to stick to your face-
You have to go back down.
There is no other way home.

So you start the descent-
despite your best intentions.
Seeing and experiencing new aspects of the mountain-
things you didn't see before.
Beautiful things,
delicate things,
animals,
hazards,
sad things-
like a broken flower that lies in the dirt of the trail,
separate from the rest of the thriving budded bush.
This little bud is destined to die.
The death of innocence touches you differently now.
You wish you could fix it,
save it from it's fate.
Seeing it there brings your thoughts back to your own loss,
your own fear,
Your own separation from the comfort,
from the safety and known expectation of the bush.

You wish for a break from the insanity of thought,
the demons that follow you,
whispering lies about what you need to do,
who you need to be,
how you will never be understood once you return from the mountain,
trying in vain to explain a perspective that is unknown to many.

So you breathe yourself back into the present moment,
focusing on the journey,
separating yourself from the false truths and preconceived notions.
You are aware now,
and in that awareness comes an ability to just be,
without the need to escape the feelings.

You can be present with the painful things in life.

And you have once again returned to yourself.
You notice the trees bidding you "good day,"
blowing softly in the wind.
You hear a bird sing a song that is new to your ears,
and you stop and take it all in.
You find your gratitude for that one small moment,
that one miracle amidst the pain,
and you know you will be OK.
You now know that the journey brought you healing.
You know how to get back from the mountain,
how to get back to yourself.
You have found your balance.
And you say thank you-
having found the gift in something so difficult.
Thank you.