Blissful Awareness

In stillness and silence...
letting go.
The need to do, to be, the driving force of existence ceases to control my body.
My thoughts surrender to NOW.
My breath is my only companion.
Candles flicker knowingly.
In those moments I find me.
Not who you want me to be, but my essence, apart from conditioned responses.
Apart from human expectations.
There-in lies the Kingdom.

BLOOM with Adrianne Wagner

Turkey Nachos, dog treats and laundry.

This is not a post about the aforementioned random nouns.
No, my friends, it is about a harsh truth - but an important revelation.

The harshest truth we will ever have to face is that every experience that exists in our reality; every happiness, every pain, every success, every mistake, every day we are in a funk - all of it - is our own creation.

We create our reality with our minds. We create our limitations and our success by identifying with our minds and the thoughts that are constantly rolling around in there. We label, we judge, we question, we form false beliefs according to our own perception of "right" and "wrong."  We choose to do this. We think 60,000-80,000 thoughts a day and most of them are fed by our ego, our false sense of self.

When I look at my own ego, that concerns me a bit, which is why I try to stay in the present moment and bring in awareness, and meditate, etc.
I know that my false self was created with self limiting beliefs of "I am not good enough, I am not important, and if I try, I will fail" and to stay in that space does not serve me. I've tried to operate from there, it sucks. And I always prove myself right. Which feels like shit.

Now, do I blame my parents and my experiences as a child for the way my ego developed? No. That would be too easy, and many people do choose to do that instead of taking responsibility, but it doesn't get you anywhere, because in order to move forward from your authentic/soul self, you have to accept responsibility.

You have to own your own power and say "I am in charge of how I feel."
How?
Your thoughts.
Our thoughts are what influence our feelings, not the other way around.
The thought comes first.
You choose to look at any situation and assign a positive or negative thought.
You choose to take things personally.
You choose to make assumptions about what someone else means by their words or actions and you allow them to take your power and influence your feelings.
You do that.
Nobody else.

The good news = You can change your thoughts!
In changing your thoughts, you change how you feel about a situation, person, experience, etc.
I am not going to say that is easy... I will be honest in saying that most of my days contain a inexhaustible amount of thoughts, to the point I think "maybe today is the day that my mind will simply break wide open." So I stand there, look around, and realize that the laundry looks the same, and it's not folding itself. So I continue on.

Most of us think that if something in our circumstance changes, then we can be happy. Let me throw this into your field of awareness - what if it is the other way around? What if you choose happiness and your circumstance will change?

THOUGHTS = FEELINGS = ACTIONS/BEHAVIORS = REALITY

The thoughts you choose influence your feelings because your thoughts release all kinds of chemicals into that amazing brain of yours according to whether or not the thought is positive or negative. So turning a negative thought into a positive one (ie seeing the bright side) actually influences your feelings. Then you act on those feelings and you create your own reality. 

Yep. Take that in for a minute.

The life you are living is your own creation and it all started with your thoughts.

You may be wondering by now - what is with the title of this post?

It is there to prove a point. You assigned meaning to it when you read it, even though it was a totally neutral title. Somewhere in your thoughts, you elected to read this because you thought "I like turkey nachos", or "what do those three have to do with each other?" or "that sounds like a disastrous laundry experience!" The point being - the title means nothing, it just has some aspects of my experience today, and it is further proof that you choose a thought by putting meaning on something that is neutral. You choose the positive or the negative.
You do it all the time.
And you create your reality from it.

So notice your thoughts and be aware of your self-limiting beliefs. Observe them and change them into a positive thought before they get rolling. It can be very empowering.
Stay in the moment, hold onto the positive and what is right for you, what your authentic self wants for you, and this experience called humanity will unfold in perfect flow and Divine timing.

Your reality will arrive at a most magical place - pure alignment with your Creator.
It is there that your reality becomes your purpose.

7 Mind Blowing Truths (wrapped up in advice I gave- that I should also heed)

Do you ever have those moments when you are talking to someone and the words coming out of your mouth are things you know to be true for you?

Advice you that applies to you.

I find this happens to me frequently when I am counseling others but not balanced myself. It’s like clients are coming into my office and we are bringing awareness to each other. It is easy for me to be objective and recognize their unconscious psychological patterns that have emerged, those opportunities for learning and growth that are deeply rooted in childhood experiences. At times, it is harder to recognize and reconcile them in myself. 

Like everyone else on the planet who has patterns emerge at some point or another (and usually several points), I am currently slowly moving through a triggered life-long pattern of needing others to fill me up emotionally (meet my emotional needs) because I am not doing it for myself. I find I get frustrated with people in my family or others in my life who are not “giving me what I need” (aka: validating me somehow).

Then, in the mysterious ways of the Universe, I find that all of the sudden I have clients that are in a similar predicament. We are drawn together through our similar energy. These clients are going through some sort of hard time, some sort of period that has them questioning life, death, sanity, purpose, God, power, relationships, etc. 

So I bring to you a list of things (that are loosely tied together) that I said to others today. Things I should also be saying to myself (I'm willing to bet you will find something in there that applies to you too);

1. “There must be a tearing down, a destruction of self, for you to build back up into a more aware and evolved person. It can be emotional and scary but when it’s over it is so good.”

Evolution and expansion requires destruction- those parts of you that no longer serve you (usually parts of the ego-self) have to be destroyed for you to build back up (or allow your true self to emerge) into something improved. I see women all around me that are constantly doing for others, BEING for others, and wondering why they are emotionally depleted. Any change or loss requires a grieving process and in order to grieve, you have to let yourself fall apart in order to discover your wholeness again.

2. “How long have you been choosing to feel responsible for what other people feel?”

Ahhhh, the people pleasers in life. At times, when I am not balanced, I could be president of that club.

Not allowing ourselves to speak our truth or meet our own needs for fear of others 

perceptions, judgments or reactions blocks us from experiencing true emotional intimacy in its healthiest form.

3. “As long as you aren’t being malicious or intentionally hurting someone; what other people think or feel about what you say is none of your damn business.”

In addition to #2, how others choose to perceive what you say, as long as your intention is pure, is not your business. Speak your truth! Furthermore, how they perceive it says everything about where they are at and the healing they need to do. If there is defensiveness –awareness and healing are required. The enemy has the potential to become the teacher. Someone doesn’t like you? Good for you – you 

just gave someone else the opportunity to see what they are subconsciously projecting onto you, which really requires their own attention and healing. If it bothers you that someone doesn't like you, is judging you, or not giving you enough recognition, then you can bet that your own self-limiting belief that "I'm not good enough" is at work. Is that another person's responsibility? No. That's on you. When you are balanced, you won't care what others think, feel or say about you.

4. “When you choose not to touch that inherent value that is inside of you as a soul, you are not only keeping that beauty from others, but most importantly, you deny yourself of power, love and your own God-given purpose.” 

This relates to #3 a bit in that there are three types of "self-limiting beliefs," (SLB's) which are subconscious beliefs that you have been programmed with through family, culture, society, etc. Since our beliefs greatly influence our actions, they substantially affect our reality. These SLB's are; "If I try I will fail," "I'm not good enough" and "No one will ever want me." When you make decisions out of fear of one of these beliefs you are giving away your power. You have a purpose. Everybody has a purpose in this Divine network of connections, growth, love, learning and lessons that we exchange. When you play small, or hold yourself back to feel "safe," you are not valuing yourself or your contribution to the world. You are choosing fear, lack, and weakness. It is a choice. You are also modeling those negative emotions for any children you have in your life as well. You are showing them who they are because our children view themselves as extensions of us. They form their identities around what we model for them and their experiences with us. What do you want for them? What do you want for you? What brings you joy? Why hold back what you came here to do? You may say; "Well, I can't because...[enter SLB here]" All you have to do is recognize the SLB, be aware of it, and make a different choice. It starts with choosing different thoughts, then those thoughts influence your feelings, which influence your beliefs, then your behavior/action, and finally, your reality. It looks like this;

THOUGHTS=FEELINGS=BELIEFS=BEHAVIOR/ACTION=REALITY

An example;

If you hold a SLB that "If I try, I will fail" you will have thoughts (from your ego, not your soul self) that pop into your mind anytime you are considering following your purpose. "My dream job would be to be a fishing guide, to work outside and teach people skills as they connect with nature...but I would have to go back to school...and I don't know how I would pay for it...how could I build a business and support myself? It is impossible." These thoughts create resistance to you achieving your purpose. If it feels right in your gut, it is right for you, and you simply need to get out of your own way. Start with focusing on what you want (not on what you don't want). If a negative thought comes into your mind - try to turn it into a positive statement, or at least a neutral one. Then hold onto the good feeling thoughts, hold onto the positive beliefs that come with the good feelings and watch how your reality changes.

5. “In finding your value, you come into your power, and inspire others around you to do the same.”

When you hold yourself back from stepping into your power, in an attempt to make life more comfortable for others, you withhold growth, learning and power for everyone involved. When you live small, you serve no-one. Living your Truth, with love, honor and purpose, is courageous. Living small robs the people you love of their own lessons as you attempt to protect them from the pain it will bring up for them as you step into your power. 

Finding your value, so that you can step into your power, requires presence and being present requires discipline but as you practice being present, and getting balanced (and subsequently into alignment with your Higher Power) by simply bringing attention to the present moment- you will naturally start to discover your value. In present moment awareness you will be able to notice the SLB that come into your thoughts and you will be more easily able to change them.You will see your purpose, your strengths and your abilities. You will make positive changes. Others will notice those changes and be inspired in many ways, like the metaphor of a ripple in a pond. 

6. “Feeling loved is only temporary if you do not discover your own self-worth. You will live your whole life doing and being for others in an insane attempt to fill yourself up.”

Women frequently do this. We adopt a societal view of who we should be; doing, care taking, meeting other’s needs and expectations of us, in an attempt to find value and worth. We become rescuers. We find importance in helping others and “saving” them from their own lessons. We try to bulldoze a path of least resistance so they can be happy. In doing that, we feel loved and emotionally fulfilled. But we find that we can never completely fill that gap that only holds a space for our own self-love. The reprieve is only temporary, so we do it again. And again. Despite the little voice that tells us we shouldn't. Then we find ourselves having an identity crisis at some point in our lives, when we realize we have lived our lives for others and that is our only identity. Our self-worth is tied up in how others feel, which we really have no control over anyway. And what about us? What do we really want? What brings us happiness? Where is our own value if we are so caught up in doing for others and trying not to be “selfish?!” Without awareness, this leads us to attempts at distraction from seeking fulfillment elsewhere, like through extramarital affairs, jumping from relationship to relationship, having unhealthy boundaries, and/or being judgmental of others to make ourselves feel powerful.

All because we don't take steps to find our own worth.

We listen to erroneous messages we were spoon fed as children and let them continue to have power over us.  Messages that came from other flawed humans. Once again, the answer lies in taking the time to be in the present moment. It is only in the present moment that your false identity (ego) will yield to your authentic self (soul). In the present moment, the ego is powerless. So take time every day (even if only 5 minutes) to get centered; through prayer, through focused breathing, through yoga, etc. Any activity that keeps you focused in that moment and lets go of thoughts. You are then able to feel and connect with your heart center. 

7. “In being aware of your feelings, in accepting them and allowing them to surface without judgment or the need to change them, you will experience a natural evolution and healing.” 

Some feelings you have may seem “wrong.” With grief, I always encourage others to feel whatever comes up, without judgment, because judgment creates resistance, and you will continue to experience what you resist. You can’t work through it if you are resisting it and “what you resist, persists” (Abraham Hicks said that, I think). So whether it has to do with feelings of grief (over a death), or feelings of loss over the ending of some other life domain (The Physical, Social, Personal and/or Spiritual Realms), just allow the feelings to be. Acknowledge that they are there and and make an attempt to focus back on what you want and how it would feel to have what you want. If your attention is too focused in your thoughts in a negative way - take a nap, stretch, or breathe. Give your brain a reboot. 

So there you have it. I welcome comments and insight into other's learning. One, I like to know I'm not alone in this processing of the journey that is life, and two, learning from each other is part of why we are here! My intention is that you can take something in and work it in a positive way for you. If you can't - at least put some love out into the world...hug a tree, snuggle a kitten, love yourself.

Grief - A Mountain Metaphor

"Move mental mountains-climb real ones." Unknown

Grief is like climbing a mountain.

You find yourself at the bottom, looking up,
a variety of emotions swirling through you at once as you wonder what you will find.
How will you make it to the top?
It seems impossible from where you are at.

The climb up is hard and rocky-
steep,
you lose your breath.
At times its hard to focus on anything else but just getting through.
Picking your way through rocks and cracks and obstacles.
It's a hard enough climb that you look around to see if anyone else is doing it.
You look around for support.
But all you find,
as you clumsily make your way through,
is a fallen log blocking your path.
You try to step over it and realize there is a raspberry bush on the other side,
with thorns that grasp your pants as you try to go by.
Like the words of people in your life who don't understand your climb-
they say things that are not supportive.
They ignorantly block you,
unknowingly scratch at your psyche.
They don't know what they're talking about-
because they themselves have never been to the top of the mountain.
They've never even had to take a step on the damn thing.
They just hang out near the bottom,
making comments about what you need to do to get to the top-
even though they've never been there.
You realize you must leave them behind,
in their ignorance,
in their bliss of not knowing.


You continue on, looking around and becoming aware that life goes on around you-
despite your changed perspective.
The bees still gather nectar regardless of the type of flower
regardless of you being there,
or not being there.
They don't know how the experience is changing you.
To the bee, the sharpness of the thistle doesn't change the gift inside.

So you move through the feelings,
continuing your climb,
up and down,
one minute up,
one minute down.
Then all of the sudden the path turns sharply-
you weren't prepared for that.
You think you might trip.
You wonder if you will twist your ankle.
You might get stuck there in that sharp curve, not knowing which way to go.
Stuck in your fear,
you wonder whether you should continue to go up,
or turn around and go down.
Worried about what could happen next.
At that point the best idea may be to just open your water bottle and take a drink,
because you don't need make a choice in that moment.
You just need to be,
because in the stillness there comes a knowing.
That knowing usually encourages you to continue on and take the path that motivates you, inspires you.

Then before you know it, you have the energy again to go on.

And at certain points you're able to stop and see something beautiful.
You're able to laugh again,
but then you feel guilty for seeing the beauty,
or for enjoying the moment because your loved one isn't there to enjoy it with you.
They're not there to make their own music with their laugh-they are unable to put that out into the world anymore.

You pause, trying to catch your breath, but you can't.

When you are able to, you start to notice there are other people on the trail-
some going up the trail of dirt and rock much quicker.
Some are passing you,
some are stuck,
some are stopped taking a break,
drinking their water,
looking for their path.
Some you might not have noticed before.
Some of them are happy,
some sad,
some melancholy.
Others are busy guiding their children,
trying to protect them on the path,
to keep them motivated or directed.
You may wonder if you have the motivation to keep going.
You may question who is there to direct you on your path.

Other times you might notice roots on the path and they trip you up-
you might fall and skin something,
becoming raw and open.
Yet you keep on day after day because you don't feel like you have another choice.

As you climb you think it important to watch every step you take as you put one foot in front of the other,
to be fully present,
so as not to trip,
to avoid a fall.
But then you realize if you do that all the time-
you miss the view.
So at a certain point in your hike,
like at a certain point in your grief,
you start to notice things you didn't notice before.
Instead of always looking down and focusing on the rocks-
you start to notice the flowers,
the multitudes of beautiful wildflowers.
You notice their likenesses,
their differences,
and their colors.
It is like you are seeing them for the first time,
different beautiful aspects that they bring to the trail,
vitality they bring to the mountain,
and how they are fully alive.
You realize that even when you don't feel alive you may still be able to glean some inspiration in their ability to go on living.
You realize this changed perspective comes,
not because the flowers have changed,
but because you have changed.
And you cannot change your perspective back to the way you saw the flowers before-
because that part of you is gone.
The way you viewed the mountain before has changed through your experience.

Eventually you get to the top.
It can be sudden-
a moment when you just realize you are there.
You are startled by the realization,
like arriving upon a meadow hidden around a bend,
with colors of green you have never experienced before.
Wide open,
full of sunshine and wildflowers.
You never knew something so beautiful existed.
You feel amazed,
inspired and grateful.
And as you breathe the clean,
crisp,
fresh air between the heavy breaths of your weariness,
there is a sense of satisfaction that you made it.
YOU did it!
Despite the hardship and difficulty-
there is triumph.
It feels so liberating there,
you wish you could stay and relish the feeling,
always live in that awareness.
You accomplished something great-
you achieved something bigger than yourself.
You see that your spiritual awareness has expanded through the experience of the climb.

Then it starts to rain.
It's a light sprinkle, really.
You could probably just ignore it.

You realize as your wet hair starts to stick to your face-
You have to go back down.
There is no other way home.

So you start the descent-
despite your best intentions.
Seeing and experiencing new aspects of the mountain-
things you didn't see before.
Beautiful things,
delicate things,
animals,
hazards,
sad things-
like a broken flower that lies in the dirt of the trail,
separate from the rest of the thriving budded bush.
This little bud is destined to die.
The death of innocence touches you differently now.
You wish you could fix it,
save it from it's fate.
Seeing it there brings your thoughts back to your own loss,
your own fear,
Your own separation from the comfort,
from the safety and known expectation of the bush.

You wish for a break from the insanity of thought,
the demons that follow you,
whispering lies about what you need to do,
who you need to be,
how you will never be understood once you return from the mountain,
trying in vain to explain a perspective that is unknown to many.

So you breathe yourself back into the present moment,
focusing on the journey,
separating yourself from the false truths and preconceived notions.
You are aware now,
and in that awareness comes an ability to just be,
without the need to escape the feelings.

You can be present with the painful things in life.

And you have once again returned to yourself.
You notice the trees bidding you "good day,"
blowing softly in the wind.
You hear a bird sing a song that is new to your ears,
and you stop and take it all in.
You find your gratitude for that one small moment,
that one miracle amidst the pain,
and you know you will be OK.
You now know that the journey brought you healing.
You know how to get back from the mountain,
how to get back to yourself.
You have found your balance.
And you say thank you-
having found the gift in something so difficult.
Thank you.

The Most Tragic Gift; and what to do when you receive it.

Spoiler alert:
It's loss.
The most tragic gift is always loss.
No initially, not at first.
You can never find the gift in loss in the beginning.
It always comes later.
After you have come full circle.
After you can finally look back at where you've come from and connect all of the dots...after you make meaning.
After the healing really starts to happen.

My tragic gift arrived 10 years ago in a tiny beating heart of a baby whose soul was destined to only live 4 hours.
At the time, it was the best and worst moment of my life, the metaphor of the brightest, most beautiful sun shining through the clouds on a stormy day comes to mind.
Except with an intense lightning storm, and my heart felt like it was struck over and over again.
To say I was devastated would not even begin to fully describe that pain, the loss of my daughter.

I realize that to talk of things such as loss in our culture is somewhat taboo. Especially the loss of a baby or child. It is generally not spoken of and people tend to feel uncomfortable with being around people in pain.
It is hard to sit with another in the midst of their loss and completely accept your inability to fix it, or worse yet, to do the wrong thing.
So we do nothing.
But I challenge you to read on and allow yourself the opportunity to understand loss a bit better. See yourself in the example of the pain in order to examine your own losses and how they have impacted you so that you can find the gifts you have received.

You may wonder how a gift can come from something so tragic.
It is in the times of intense pain and tragedy that we are able to move beyond our man-made self, we move beyond our ego.
The situation and our intense presence in that moment (because of the pain) allows us to strip away all the thought, preconceived notions and judgments as it destroys our sense of self and our understanding of reality.
It becomes a spiritual experience.
In that moment, our true spiritual essence emerges.
In tragedy, there is no room for ego.
Ego becomes powerless.

This is a common occurrence in birth and death but can also happen in other times when we experience intense presence; any moment of sheer joy or intense loss.

I am choosing to talk about the gift in loss because it is easy to find the gift in joy and quite difficult to find it in loss.
Either way though -it is a choice to find the gift.

Let me quantify loss as not only death, but any situation that causes substantial change in one or more of your life domains; The Physical, Social, Personal and/or Spiritual Realms.
This could be chronic illness or a sudden disability, a layoff or being fired, divorce or a situation that leaves you questioning your beliefs and/or the choices you have made.

No matter where it comes from, loss will leave you vulnerable, confused, shaken and questioning many things that you previously thought to be your reality.
To find the gift you must allow it.
You must allow yourself to completely fall apart in order to be able to come back together in a different way.
You will feel beaten, bloodied and bruised, but you will have a knowledge and understanding that would not have been possible without the loss.
You will have to reconcile all of the "whys" and figure out your new understanding, and once you do, you will see that loss has no power over you because you will see that it is a gift.

You never wanted it.
You didn't ask for it.
You will have changed for better and sometimes worse (i.e. increased fear of loss again).
You will have evolved.

"What is it all for? What do I do with this new expanded consciousness?" you may wonder.
My question to you is:
What will you do?

The following is an excerpt from my soon-to-be-published book "The Spirit of Grief." The chapters I chose are ones that I thought were able to most capture the loss and the shift toward finding the gift in it. I kept the chapters in their entirety instead of pulling out bits and pieces, so while it makes it a bit more lengthy, I think you get a better overall picture of the complexity of loss.

Chapter 1

Marah Gene

            “Your baby is not ok.”  I know that is true as my first born daughter is pulled from my womb, not looking like a healthy baby, but instead, purple, little and with a misshapen head that does not look quite right.  I nod and say nothing, I am in awe that this little being was inside of me and I love her instantly.  She is swiftly taken to a table full of bright lights and bustling nurses and doctors who surround her - poking, prodding and blowing into her mouth to help her with her first attempt to breathe.  But there is no breath, just an increasing level of anxiety as the minutes without her tiny cry tick by. They speak in specialized dialect and short, determined whispers that I cannot quite hear. And still, there is no expectant baby cry and happy “Congratulations!”  There is just silence, a professional seriousness and many, busy working hands.  My husband looks at me feebly and keeps saying over and over again “She is ok, she is ok, she will be ok.”  Somehow saying those words provides him with a sense of calm.  But I know.  I know she will not be ok – a feeling I have felt since I was pregnant early on, but still, I cannot allow myself to accept it. 

            This is not what I envisioned for her birth.  We had a birth plan.  I took care of myself; I ate right, I exercised, I went to prenatal yoga once a week.  I didn’t drink alcohol or caffeine or even take Tylenol for headaches.  So what did I do wrong?  How did my body fail me so?  How did I fail my helpless beautiful girl? As her mother, I should be able to protect her; to nurture her, keep her from harm. But here I lay after my c-section, unable to move, to hold or touch my newborn daughter, at the mercy of whoever is working to repair the void where all my hope for the future was once nestled inside of me.

            Later, as I lay in recovery, I felt numb; numb from exhaustion of labor preceding an emergency cesarean, numb from the pain medication, and numb from the denial that something is terribly wrong with my first-born child.  I prepared myself that she was going to be handicapped in some way.  I told myself “It will be ok; she has a purpose and if that is what is supposed to happen, so be it.”  I did not, however, prepare myself for reality. 

            It seemed like hours.  People were so nice – too nice- like they were trying to protect me from some awful truth that was too horrible to speak.  How true that was.  “Adrianne, blah, blah, blah, blah….”  The neonatalogist is speaking but somehow I do not understand the words that come out of her mouth, until – “…she doesn’t have very long.”  Somehow that statement breaks through what I have told myself is a bad dream and I look at my mother who covers her mouth with her hand in an attempt to stifle a cry, as tears slide down her cheeks. Where is my husband?  My only response – “Are you saying that she is going to die?”  I had prepared myself for so many things, but this cannot be happening, not to me, not to my baby.  I did everything right.  Where is my baby?  This cannot be true.  I have to see her, touch her, smell her, and love her.  Little did I know that this was the beginning of the end.

Chapter 3

 “Blue Hoses of Silence”

            After what seems to be an eternity of waiting for my required recovery time, I am allowed to be wheeled into the NICU where my baby is surrounded by a bundle of tubes and is tiny, so tiny, amidst the technological advances of man.  She looks like a normal baby with her hat on – so pure and innocent. I touch her porcelain skin, trying to memorize the wisps of dark brown hair peeking out from under her crochet hat.  She moves like a normal baby despite a ventilator with bright blue tubing that is helping her breathe, her little lungs too underdeveloped to take in the air she needs to survive.  They tell me they do not know why her lungs are so immature.  She is going to die.  She smiles…do babies that are going to die smile?  I think she knows.  She is saying goodbye.   All Derek can do is stroke my hair and appear to be strong for me.  His eyes are bloodshot from crying and he sniffles periodically and wipes his nose with the back of his hand.  His strength is an illusion that is so very transparent.  He looks at her and looks back at me with helplessness.  But I can’t think about his pain, all I can think about is Marah.  I want to take her all in; her eyelashes, tiny nose, ears, fingers with little finger nails.  She wraps her little hand around my finger and I never want to let her go.  I can’t, can’t, can’t let her go. 

            My husband and I do not want her to die attached to a machine, so we decide to take her off.  She is four hours old.  In the back of my mind I hope she will prove the doctors wrong and continue living, but the finality of what I have just done becomes apparent as I watch her struggle for breath and tiny pieces of me go with her at every attempt she makes to stay alive.  Her little body is cuddled to mine as her body lurches for one last time and gives out.  I don’t know when it happened exactly during the trip from the NICU to my room but I remember hearing a wail that did not even seem human, and then I realized it was coming from my own mouth.

Chapter 6

Change

The days turned into weeks then into months of endless nothingness. I cannot remember the first time I smiled and laughed again, although I remember feeling incredibly guilty when I did. It felt alien and like I was dishonoring Marah in allowing myself to feel happiness despite of her absence. On the other hand, there was the sense of relief that I was still able to access small pieces of joy even though I was still not fully present in those moments. It was a confusing time; like walking through thick fog, trying to find your way, and every once in awhile brief rays of light would shine through.

            Panic attacks were my constant companion.  The rising dread went with me wherever I would go; causing my heart to hammer out of my chest, almost like it wanted recognition that it was still there.  And there never seemed to be enough oxygen as I gasped for more air like a fish out of water.

            I went back to work in the mental health field in a different capacity to avoid previous clients and their need for an explanation. I was not the same person. I was broken, raw, vulnerable, and jaded – my life’s course permanently altered.  I had no idea where I was headed.  I told myself “one day at a time” and various other cliche statements that people say to you in an attempt to make you feel better (but which really are ways for them to deal with their own uncomfortable position). My favorite of these was “Well, at least you are young and healthy and can have another baby.” Right. That will make it all better. Like when you are little and your fish dies and you can just go get a replacement. I’ll just replace my one -of –a-kind baby, a unique soul, with a substitute.  Hello anger! My uncensored thought: Go fuck yourself.  And take all those cigarette smoking pregnant women or people that don’t even take care of their kids with you.  Along with all those people that had started to say “She needs to get over this and move on.” Grief 101-you never “get over it.” You are permanently altered forever. 

            I started to go to a grief group with other mothers that had lost their babies. For the first time in a long time, I felt connected and supported. I felt that I was a part of something- like these other women really understood me. It came at a time when my husband and I had drifted apart; neither one of us emotionally able to support each other in our respective grief journeys. I wanted to talk about her all the time. He didn’t.  We both had completely different experiences during her birth and death and couldn’t agree on a shared reality. To me, our baby lived for four hours. To him, she was dead from birth because in his mind resuscitation and her being on a ventilator without brain activity did not count as being alive. Grief group helped me breathe again. And stories- the sad, heart wrenching stories coming from amazing women that didn’t deserve this experience either. It hurt to listen to their pain but there I also found my own and those women brought me so much comfort. They listened to me and offered support, they were my confidants, and they were my friends. They still are my friends. Thank God for them. My hope is that one day they will read these words and know their impact, know that their baby’s lives had purpose too. I thank God for each and every one of them.

            A realization started to develop during this period. I had to live again. I had to engage and continue on my journey. And not just my grief journey, but my spiritual journey - because another thing started to shape and mold and develop during this period. It was my weakened ego deflating and making room for my soul to expand. My spiritual journey had begun.

Chapter 7

Spirit

            My spiritual journey had first begun while I was in the Peace Corps and experienced both the lowest lows I had yet to go through in my life, as well as the most unbelievable highs as I went through a personal transformation. It all started with a racist joke. Now my friends will read that and unequivocally not believe it, but it’s true. And in my ignorance of my own socialized worldview, I hurt people. It was a loss in its own right – the realization that my thinking may be flawed, but I have learned to appreciate that poignant moment as the beginning of the breaking open of my human ego. I began to emerge and question all that I was, all that I had learned and how I saw the world and its inhabitants. I started to inquire and challenge my concept of God and how my perceptions were formed.  My reality was under my own personal magnifying glass and I wasn’t letting myself off easy.  To me, this was crucial for the work I wanted to do with others.

So my spiritual transformation continued, and on a more intense level, after my baby died. So many people are amazingly resilient, it turns out, that I couldn’t allow myself to crawl back into my hole of stagnant grief.  I questioned so many things and wanted to make sense out of the most senseless of tragedies.  I decided to go to graduate school to become a school counselor; which was a way to distract myself from my grief, but also a way to work through in somewhat of a forced capacity. It was hard, albeit healing, work and in the process I discovered that my true fit was not working with children in a school, but working with grieving children at Hospice. Not only had I come full circle, but I found a way to make Marah’s life meaningful. Through my work, she would leave a legacy, and I would honor her in this way. I couldn’t save her, but I could try to support and help others in her memory...You can do this too. You can make meaning out of your loss. It starts by allowing all that you feel without judgment; shock, denial, sadness, anger, confusion, fear, loneliness, helplessness, hopelessness, etc. (and in no particular order), until you develop a new normal. You may feel crazy, but I assure you, you are not. 

Another important part of the process is to depersonalize other people's pain. They show us their pain in the hurtful things they say and do but it is never really about us. They do what they do to survive, just like we all do when this human journey gets difficult. Allow others to be ignorant and forgive them with love and compassion; let go of your ego’s judgments or need to be right. You are making space for their learning and when you make that choice you will learn as well; about healing and strength, about the grieving process, about yourself, and about the powers of the human spirit. 

I've learned the only way through grief is to walk through it. It is unavoidable, painful and incredibly heartbreaking. But it is also transformative.

            There came a time when I realized that I didn't want to be a victim anymore. I didn't want people to look at me with sympathy and feel uncomfortable because they didn't know what to say. I didn't want to be “the woman whose baby died.” 

I wanted to be a survivor. 

Just like you.

            

Inspiration Comes in Unexpected Packages

"Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it in us or we find it not."

Kahlil Gibran

Have you ever met somebody that you were immediately in awe of?

It happened to me this weekend on a mountain trail as I sat taking a break for water and to journal a bit. As I consistently swat at the persistent mosquitoes, and contemplated where my next inspiration would come from, I saw a woman jogging up Crag's Crest trail.
Her dog was at her side and she had the courtesy to ask, WHILE JOGGING UP A F-ING MOUNTAIN, if I was ok with her dog being off leash.
I could only respond with a simple "of course" due to my feelings of intense jealousy/admiration/awe. Here she is jogging uphill at over 10,000 feet above sea level and talking as if she was walking to her mailbox, in addition to checking in with me in a very unselfish way.
She passed by with an Emmy-winning smile saying "Great Day, isn't it?!"
I responded, still amazed by her (and at this point wondering if she might have a bionic appendage or two) with the most original response known to human-kind:
"Great day!"
Jeesh.
I guess that was a better response than bowing down before her in submission among the dirt, rock, pine cones and rogue broken branches...

She was full of energy, a love of life and a kindness that came through her smile.
I literally felt that in the few seconds that it took her to pass me by.
What I couldn't fully recognize at the time, in that fleeting moment, was that she was in total alignment with Source; physically, mentally and emotionally.
This woman was completely plugged in- mind, body and spirit.
I think that is why I was inspired by her.
That kind of alignment is such an infrequent occurrence in humanity, that I was just struck by her.

Think about it, we operate from our human conditioned ego selves most of the time.
I would say probably around 95% of the time.
When we are in alignment it is usually when we are fully in the present moment, which can be heightened when we are inspired or desperate (Eckhart Tolle writes that it is the life changing moments when our brains cannot maintain our egoic state - like during childbirth or death of someone we love).
In our culture we usually operate in the past or the future, but rarely in the present.
Exercise brings us right into the present moment because, if we aren't fully present, we are more prone to injury.
People that fall off treadmills or trip over their own feet - present moment lapses.
And boy does that bring their awareness right back to their bodies.

Think of who inspires you and why. What do they have inside of them that you admire?
The amazing thing about inspiration is that in order to be inspired you have to have some part of what inspires you deep down inside of yourself.
Make sense?
In order to recognize something we admire in another, it must first be present inside of us.
It works the opposite way as well - in order to judge something we don't like in another we must first have it in ourselves.
We are resisting our shadow self.
If it wasn't there, we wouldn't recognize it, and it is usually something that needs to be healed in ourselves.
Mull that over for a minute.
Your worst enemy has now become your most valuable teacher.

Does that mean you should feel bad about yourself?
Of course not, we all have our own bullshit.
You don't need to judge yourself at all, in fact.
If you want to change it you just have to accept it and recognize it's existence and make a different choice the next time you notice those thoughts surface.
Or, you can continue on as you always have, spiritually unconscious and making yourself feel more powerful by judging someone else.
And that which you resist, persists.
It is really up to you to decide when you want a different experience.

Back to the bionic, beautiful soul...
As I watched her continue up the trail, the rock moving beneath her feet and her furry companion's collar rattling, I smiled and sent her some love, saying under my breath "Thanks for the inspiration."
Then I pushed myself up and continued the rest of my hike to the summit.
Smiling the whole way.

Pesky Patterns...Break Them in 4 Steps

We all have them. You may or may not have noticed, but because of the way my brain analyzes (and over-analyzes) all of life's experiences, today I bring it to your attention.

Think of something in your life that keeps happening even though you may not want it to. Something that comes up for you. It may be something you feel like you have already gone through in your life. You thought you learned from it and moved on, then BAM! There it is again.

Hello pesky pattern.

It can be something no one else knows about, something you judge yourself for or something you just wish you could understand so that you could change it.

These patterns arise from your ego; the part of you that is identified with your human form, your mind-made self that disconnects you from your Higher Power.

Some examples of common egoic patterns are:

*Feeling like you are not enough.
*Feeling like you don't deserve to receive something.
*Trying to meet your emotional needs through someone else.
*Thinking something outside of yourself will make you feel complete.
*Comparing yourself to others.
*Regretting something from your past/judging yourself.
*Holding yourself in contempt.
*Judging others or projecting your feelings of lack of self worth onto someone else.
*A lack of personal power (which usually manifests as frequent illness or catastrophes).

Personally, I have experienced all of these at some time or another, some more frequently in my life than others.
They are a part of the human condition.
You can choose to stay in these patterns, which is what the majority of people do, out of sense of helplessness or even comfort (the idea being even though you are unhappy with it, at least you know what to expect), or you can choose to learn from them.

If you choose to stay in that space or don't know what to do to change them, these pesky patterns will continue to play out in your life bringing up feelings like grief, anxiety, sadness-even deep depression, and the feeling of being "stuck." 

So there it is, your own pattern, welling up again. Something you thought was long gone has surfaced in your awareness. You thought that part of you was healed, reconciled for good. Then it arrives, that dreaded pattern, hitting you in your face – in your heart.  You can no longer deny it -you have to admit to the fact that you are in a similar situation as you were in before.

It's here no matter how much you sigh, pray, ignore or pull your hair out.

It looks at you and smiles, blowing you a kiss, inviting you down the same worn-out road. You try not to follow even though it feels like the easy thing to do- only because you know the outcome - you have taken that road so many times before.

Damn.

You resist, trying to talk yourself out of it- not wanting to be that person – not wanting to embrace that shadow self that is beneath the soul that is expanding and evolving.

You resist and the constriction gets worse.

Surrender they say.

How?

How do you release the guilt and self judgment knowing that the people in your life deserve better?
Knowing you deserve better.
Knowing if you fully believed that, this pattern would fail to be in existence for you. 

Albert Einstein said that you cannot change a pattern or situation using the same thinking that got you there in the first place.
Take that in for a moment.

You've got to shake things up and, most importantly, quit thinking it through until you can direct your thoughts in a more positive way.

4 Steps to Break Egoic Patterns:

1. Get Back to Balance
This is a crucial step.
I also sometimes refer to it as "getting grounded."
Find a way to get out of your head-nothing will get better by ruminating for hours on end. 
(Believe me, I have tried)
Escape your ego mind - that lying little voice that haunts your thoughts-by bringing yourself fully into the present moment.
Notice how you feel, listen to the sounds and bring awareness of everything into that moment.
You can do this by meditating, going outside, taking deep breaths, connecting with an animal, taking a walk, chewing your food slower or even a 5 minute power nap.
This allows you to get into "Alignment" with your Higher Power.
The more you can be in that space of love, peace and joy, the more you can create what you want and live a happier life in general.

2. Let the Self-Judgment Go
Self Judgement is useless.
Judging yourself takes you into a space that does not align you with your Divine power, making achieving what you want even more difficult.
The first part of creating what you want in life is to experience what you don't want.
That is called "contrast."
So no matter if you're experiencing the contrast for the first time, or the 5th time, or the 105th time, ACKNOWLEDGE that it is there WITHOUT JUDGMENT.

3. Focus on What You Want
The Law of Attraction will bring to you what your thoughts and feeling focus on.
It is important to think about what you want (not what you don't want) in order to draw it to you.
You have already focused on what you don't want - look how you created that with your patterns!
Now do the opposite!
I know this law got some bad press when everybody read "The Secret" and life didn't work out how they wanted, but remember it was written by humans. Humans with egos. 
So after you have cleared the way to open your awareness to your Higher Power, allow yourself to daydream, visualize, and fantasize about what you want or what your life could look like if there were no barriers.

4. Hold Joy 
This is very important.
Try to hold onto the positive emotions in thoughts, words, and deeds.
When you notice you are headed down the negative thinking road (where your pattern loves to hang out), try to redirect your thoughts - repeat step 1.
Staying positive will help you create what you want and patterns cannot hang out here because this is not where the ego is able to tread.
Do not try to create what you want when you are in a negative space. It will do the opposite and create what you don't want.

Some questions you may ask about patterns;

What if you're not ready to make the changes? (what if there is comfort in the expectation of the pattern?)
What if the answers you get in the time of balance are not what you want to hear?

I am certain you will know.
Give yourself time to settle into the knowing.

When you bounce back and forth between knowing and questioning yourself, recognize the expansion and contraction as a normal process. 
Quit being your worst enemy.

This pattern has much to teach you. You can learn and heal and expand into a higher perspective.

Here’s the thing- You feel the way you feel. 

It might not make sense. It may be wrong when looked at from someone else’s perspective, but regardless, this is where you're at. 
Don't resist.

This is coming into your awareness for a reason.

It is coming up because it needs to come up. 
Use it!
Lean into it, feel it without resistance so that you can move through it.

Align. Release. Learn. Allow. Grow. Expand.

The next time that pesky pattern tries to woo you, you can recognize it and choose something different, giving it the proverbial middle finger.