Grieving Parents Want You To Know...

• "Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break."  
• - Shakespeare

As a grief counselor, I am frequently present with those who have experienced a loss. I am there, not to try and fix them, but to hold a healing space for them.

In holding that space, I've noticed similar sentiments are often expressed by the grieving and it saddens me to hear the judgment that those who are not bereaved are sometimes passing on in their ignorance.

It can be especially offensive when the loss is a child. It doesn't matter what age; when a parent has a child die it is an irreparable loss.

If you know someone who has had a child of any age die (even in utero), take note, they may not say it to your face, but they are feeling the following inside:

* I will always love my child and wish they hadn't died.

-A part of me will always be missing.

-I will never fully heal.

-I will never "get over it" or "move on" so don't expect me to and NEVER SAY THAT TO ME!

-Finding a way to make their life meaningful is important to me.

* Honoring my child with an area devoted to their memory is not weird, it's healing.

 -Keeping pictures hung and rooms as they were is a form of remembering and memorializing.

-If I want to change something, I will. It is not your place to touch or move anything.

-Remembering them gives their life meaning.

-If you have pictures of my child I wish that you would keep them visible as well

-it lets me know you remember and care about my child too.

-I am not trying to make you uncomfortable and I am not responsible for how you feel.

-(Summary from one mom in my "Angel Babies" group whose Mother-in-Law told her she was crazy) "Yes, it’s a shrine, deal with it."

*Please don't avoid me or avoid talking about my child because you think you will make me sad.

-I already think about my child all of the time, so you bringing them up won't make me sad.

-When you ask about me or when you speak of my child it helps me share my grief and helps my healing. 
-Say my child's name and allow me to speak their name.

-I will let you know if there is a time when I don't wish to talk about my child or about how I feel.

-Sending a card, especially on their birth or death date, is a way to support me in my grief and let me know you care.

*The best thing you can do is to be present with me and listen.

-I may cry - allow me to grieve so that I can heal.

-The greatest gift you can give is to allow my tears, even if you feel uncomfortable.

-You don't need to fix anything (you can't anyway).

-You can always ask "How can I help?" or offer a diversion, like a movie.

*Recognize that life can change in an instant.

-It makes my child's life meaningful when you learn to appreciate your own life or your own children because of my child's death.

-Please do not complain in front of me.

-One day I will be able to understand again where you are coming from, but don't expect it.

*Be aware of what comes out of your mouth.

-I know that my child's soul lives on eternally; you reminding me doesn't always help.

-NEVER tell me to be grateful for the children I have living.

-Don't expect me to find solace in my child "no longer suffering." Some days I will, some days I won't.

-You may feel like judging me, but I will always hope that you will never understand this kind of pain.

-Know that I am choosing to surround myself with only loving and supportive people at this time. If you cannot be loving and supportive, I will not have you in my life. Period.

*Please be patient with me.

-The grief process is complex and different for everybody and know that my emotions will change drastically, even in the course of a day or hour to hour.

-Try not to take things I say or do personally. I am not always at my best.

-I am most likely dealing with enormous amounts of guilt, even if it wasn't truly my fault.

-If you don't understand where I am coming from, offer a hug, not judgment.

*I will forever be changed.

-I will still have aspects of myself, but my life perception has been permanently altered.

-A part of me died along with my child; don't expect me to be the same.

-I will heal and I will be able to function again, but I will never forget.

-My life will never be "normal" again, but I will create a "new normal." 

My hope for creating this list is that it will help you and help support someone who is grieving. 

Having lost my firstborn daughter at birth to a genetic condition, I know this list firsthand. I also see people suffer through it and the depth of their pain is unimaginable. 

You don't need to understand. You just need compassion.

Adrianne Wagner, MA, NCC

In memory of Marah Gene Wagner, and all the beautiful children who lit up the world in their short journey on earth.

pic taken from jomurphey.blogspot.com

Allowing Awareness

"When we are aware of ... being aware, we are freed from identification with form, which is ego, and there arises within us a sense of oneness with the whole and with our Source." Eckhart Tolle

I start a walk out of obligation one evening, as two furry bodies wiggle, waggle, and whine and wait expectantly. I sigh, knowing it will be good for all three of us, as I will my body to find some more energy in the dwindling hours of daylight. The walk starts off on our usual trail of dirt, dust, ants and an occasional “goat head” stuck to the bottom of said furry one’s paw.

Slowly, I become aware of my thoughts. I become “The Watcher” as Eckhart Tolle would say. The thoughts are of the negative sort, and I immediately recognize that I am not “plugged in,” meaning that I am not in alignment with the energy of Source, which we always have access to. I am instead stuck in my human mind in all of its complaints, ego and judgment. I notice that the spring grasses (weeds) have sprung along the trail and hillside, and I look at them with dislike, knowing that they will soon take up residence in my yard and the weed eater will have to come out of storage shed hibernation…

In an attempt to redirect myself, I start to chant “I AM” in my mind and keep focused on the present moment, wrestling with my human mind as it tries again and again to bring me back -laughing at my pathetic use of spiritual practices that some people may see as a man made construct and illusion.

I don’t notice the shift right away, instead it happens gradually. I focus on my breath and listen and watch, listen and watch as I hike up through desert scenery in a spring breeze. I round a corner and see a spectacular view from my hillside perch-rolling hills covered in the spring grasses, blowing gently and in sync with one another. It looks as if you could run your hand over the soft, swaying reeds and I realize in that moment that they are beautiful.

I see that they have just given me a gift of awareness, as I brought myself out of the incessant chatter of my human thought, they were there waiting for me to see them as they really are.

Who decides what makes a weed and what makes a flower? Who decides what is useful, beautiful, and acceptable?

I do, you do, and we all do.

Is it not a concerning notion that most of the time we see our world and those in it from our human, faulty, disconnected perceptions?

It is not just about weeds and flowers. It is about much deeper issues like body image, culture, family dynamics, what we eat, what we wear, who makes decisions, how we parent, educate and discipline.

Do you not see how you could be different? How you could be more in alignment with the perspective of LOVE. How our society or world could change if we were all simply more aware?

-Aware that we are all flawed and opinions come from our ego’s need to control and manipulate our experiences for its own survival.

-Aware that we must drop the judgment towards ourselves and others in order to simply allow our human consciousness to expand and evolve.

It is there that the weeds and the flowers live together.