Grieving Parents Want You To Know...

• "Give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart and bids it break."  
• - Shakespeare

As a grief counselor, I am frequently present with those who have experienced a loss. I am there, not to try and fix them, but to hold a healing space for them.

In holding that space, I've noticed similar sentiments are often expressed by the grieving and it saddens me to hear the judgment that those who are not bereaved are sometimes passing on in their ignorance.

It can be especially offensive when the loss is a child. It doesn't matter what age; when a parent has a child die it is an irreparable loss.

If you know someone who has had a child of any age die (even in utero), take note, they may not say it to your face, but they are feeling the following inside:

* I will always love my child and wish they hadn't died.

-A part of me will always be missing.

-I will never fully heal.

-I will never "get over it" or "move on" so don't expect me to and NEVER SAY THAT TO ME!

-Finding a way to make their life meaningful is important to me.

* Honoring my child with an area devoted to their memory is not weird, it's healing.

 -Keeping pictures hung and rooms as they were is a form of remembering and memorializing.

-If I want to change something, I will. It is not your place to touch or move anything.

-Remembering them gives their life meaning.

-If you have pictures of my child I wish that you would keep them visible as well

-it lets me know you remember and care about my child too.

-I am not trying to make you uncomfortable and I am not responsible for how you feel.

-(Summary from one mom in my "Angel Babies" group whose Mother-in-Law told her she was crazy) "Yes, it’s a shrine, deal with it."

*Please don't avoid me or avoid talking about my child because you think you will make me sad.

-I already think about my child all of the time, so you bringing them up won't make me sad.

-When you ask about me or when you speak of my child it helps me share my grief and helps my healing. 
-Say my child's name and allow me to speak their name.

-I will let you know if there is a time when I don't wish to talk about my child or about how I feel.

-Sending a card, especially on their birth or death date, is a way to support me in my grief and let me know you care.

*The best thing you can do is to be present with me and listen.

-I may cry - allow me to grieve so that I can heal.

-The greatest gift you can give is to allow my tears, even if you feel uncomfortable.

-You don't need to fix anything (you can't anyway).

-You can always ask "How can I help?" or offer a diversion, like a movie.

*Recognize that life can change in an instant.

-It makes my child's life meaningful when you learn to appreciate your own life or your own children because of my child's death.

-Please do not complain in front of me.

-One day I will be able to understand again where you are coming from, but don't expect it.

*Be aware of what comes out of your mouth.

-I know that my child's soul lives on eternally; you reminding me doesn't always help.

-NEVER tell me to be grateful for the children I have living.

-Don't expect me to find solace in my child "no longer suffering." Some days I will, some days I won't.

-You may feel like judging me, but I will always hope that you will never understand this kind of pain.

-Know that I am choosing to surround myself with only loving and supportive people at this time. If you cannot be loving and supportive, I will not have you in my life. Period.

*Please be patient with me.

-The grief process is complex and different for everybody and know that my emotions will change drastically, even in the course of a day or hour to hour.

-Try not to take things I say or do personally. I am not always at my best.

-I am most likely dealing with enormous amounts of guilt, even if it wasn't truly my fault.

-If you don't understand where I am coming from, offer a hug, not judgment.

*I will forever be changed.

-I will still have aspects of myself, but my life perception has been permanently altered.

-A part of me died along with my child; don't expect me to be the same.

-I will heal and I will be able to function again, but I will never forget.

-My life will never be "normal" again, but I will create a "new normal." 

My hope for creating this list is that it will help you and help support someone who is grieving. 

Having lost my firstborn daughter at birth to a genetic condition, I know this list firsthand. I also see people suffer through it and the depth of their pain is unimaginable. 

You don't need to understand. You just need compassion.

Adrianne Wagner, MA, NCC

In memory of Marah Gene Wagner, and all the beautiful children who lit up the world in their short journey on earth.

pic taken from jomurphey.blogspot.com